The Tale Of Epic-Epicness
by Cutiemarkproductions
Summary: Just another day in equestia. Hey leave comments so we can make no.2 and have more fun


The Tale of Epic-Epicness: Epic Epic-Epicness

By: Justarandombrony, poisonouslobster, and Clankhoof

A Random pony, P. Lobsta Shadow Darkfeather

One day Apple Bloom was walking down the road to the mane-street market-place, when suddenly she ran into a familiar face. It was spike who was holding a stack of books.

"Well howdy you got there?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Just some romance novels for Granny Smith." He replied.

AppleBloom gave him a weird look.

"What? She ordered them!" Spike replied defensively

"Ok, ok, it just seemed peculiar is all."

"So, you and granny smith aren't...?" Apple Bloom asked while scanning spike

"NO! Why would you think that?" Spike shouted while glaring at Apple Bloom. Spike had now began to get frustrated and decided to leave.

"Bye Apple Bloom!" Spike said angrily as he walked down the road.

"Um, Bye Spike." Apple Bloom said as he walked away. She continued to walk to the mane-street market place where she needed to get some string for another CMC scam. and what better place to go then Pens, Futons, and strings.

Once Apple Bloom arrived at the store she walked to see nothing but pens and futons. She looked and looked, but no string could be found.

"Where is the string bitch?" she asked Apple Bloom.

"Where is the beer?" a random pony asked.

"It is in the back alleyway behind the shop where Fluttershy was crying for some stupid reason or something, and then another pony was like hahaha as he stole some carrots; when suddenly mare-do-well showed up and throw the pony-rang at him causing them to trip, and slide across the entire town, and hit Applejack who was bringing apples from her farm. she then proceeded to kick the living shit out of him until he was dead but what he wasn't dead he was now a ghost who had a grudge against a random pony and because he didn't know who it was. He decided to go live a happy undead live in the suburbs.

"Sorry!" the random pony announced. He then proceeded to run away from the scene because the cops showed up.

"But where is the string?" Apple Bloom asked again.

"Oh, right. Some random pony that looked like a gypsy bought all of my string just like five minutes ago, man." He replied.

Apple Bloom walked out of the store yelling "god damn it" rapidly to find a massive pile of string with a gypsy-pony on top, looking around as if the someone was after him. She then walked up to him and asked:

"Hey, can I have one?" Apple Bloom. There was a long silence, like he was having great pony world war II flashbacks and then started re-contemplating life.

"No." He said forcefully.

"Alright then."Apple Bloom then looked up at him and said "Do you know you look like a gypsy?" The gypsy pony looked down at her

"Do you really mean that?"

"Of course I do." the gypsy blushies and looks dearly at her.

'Here take it and leave."

'Really? Oh thank you!"

"JUST GO, GO BEFORE THEY EAT ME!"

Apple Bloom turned to a massive crowd that had gathered to listen to Mayor Mare give a speech on how all puppies should be hanged from a tree. She looked over and saw Fluttershy crying in a dark alleyway. As she walked up, she remembered that the store owner had mentioned her crying for one stupid reason or another.

Hey Fluttershy, why are you crying?" Apple bloom asked.

"Well I was just sitting here minding my own business, when this stallion came up behind me and started breathing on my back. He then tied me down and reached into a garbage can and pulled out some chopped onions and started to throw them at me. I have been crying here for an hour, because of the onions." Fluttershy responded.

"Oh, okay. I thought it was because no pony loves you, you worthless excuse for a flying mammal!" Apple Bloom said.

"Oh, I already knew that, you southern hick! Now get out of my sight before I call the police for sexual harassment!" Apple Bloom then realized that she was raping Fluttershy. It turns out that Fluttershy was making Apple Bloom think that she was raping her with her stare.

Fearing for her life, she quickly returned to the mane road, heading back for the CMC's treehouse with the valuable string. When she got there, she found the other Cutie Mark Crusaders buried underneath a small continent of string.

"Where did this string come from?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, I can't tell you the whole story, but it did involve a spiderweb, my scooter, and an entire colony of angry arachnids." Scootaloo replied, shivering.

They all heard moaning coming from the house and decided to investigate. When they got there they all found Spike and Granny Smith doing intimate things.

"What the hay is going on here?" Scootaloo asked.

"I'm giving Granny Smith a good time!" Spike said

"Alright then what kind of good time?" Sweetie Belle asked. "This seems strangely like something my sister Rawriteity does all the time!" Seeing Granny Smith in this position gave Sweetie Belle a severe case of the stupids, which has affected her ability to speak to her friendz. and also she ran funny but nopony mentioned it.

Spike then yelled "Get out!" They jumped into the air in shock and ran out the door. As they ran towards the clubhouse granny smith then stood at the door and screamed "SEX!" but they ignored it because they had noticed big mac walking out of the barn staring at something

"Eeyyup!" He yielded and they turned around and headed back into the barn.

"Big Mac!" Apple Bloom shouted he stop and looked at her he looked sad.

"What is going on?" Apple Bloom asked but big mac stayed silent and walked back into the barn closing the door behind him and locking it.

"What's wrong with your brother?"Scootaloo asked, Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement and started to spin in circles.

"I don't know." She replied

"Lets just get going." they soon reach the clubhouse due to the fact they had been standing 10 feet away from it the entire time, but anyway, they gathered in the clubhouse .

"OK now lets get started on our cutie marks."

Sweetie Belle started to make sound but the others could not make out a single word she said if had said anything at all.

"I JLIKJE CJANJDEJ!" the other two looked at Sweetie Belle confusedly, who was still smiling with her tongue sticking out.

"Alright then, so why did we need the string, again?" Apple Bloom asked.

"So we could become cutie mark crusader-Occult followers!" Scootaloo yelled in excitement.

They arranged the string into a symbol on the ground. They then made a random combination of foal blood, rat ear, cat skull, and diamond dog tooth and ground it up and soaked the string in it. They then lit the string on fire and it went up in blue flames. A portal opened up and a massive hand came up and turned into a massive penis and then Ezalg came out.

"What is that!?" Apple Bloom asked.

"That is Ezalg the magic flying, Woodentoaster!" Scootaloo replied. "He is here to save the world!" The thing then said,

"Thank you for freeing me ponies! I will grant you three wishes!"

"Oh, oh, I want a really big poster!" Scootaloo yelled at the flying spaghetti monster. On the wall appeared a poster of naked women.

"I want two really big body parts!" Apple Bloom yelled. She suddenly grew two very large breasts on her head.

"IJ LJIKJE SJAOJPJJ!" Sweetie Belle said. She was given one bar of sjaojpjj, something you only find in Sweden.

~S~

Meanwhile, at Sugarcube corner, Pinkie Pie is busy serving cyanide and happiness to customers. as pinkie kills the remaining customers with friendship(?), she sees Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkley-Butt walked down the road after attending Mayor Mare's speech, where she suggested they should hang puppys. Twilight thought this was a fantastic idea, and Rainbow Dash said she had some puppies they could use over at her house.

Pinkie noticed them toward Rainbow Dash's house, so she grabbed her pocketknife and followed them. when Rainbow Dash and Twilight reached her home she told Twillight to stay there while she got the puppys.

"Ok Rainbow Dash, but hurry up I want to hang me some puppys!" as Rainbow Dash neared the house she soon saw the pile of dead animals under her house . Apparently she forgot that animals can't fly and they fell to their death. Worried that they might hang her instead she suddenly bolted into the everfree forest. Twilight then ran into a tree and got knocked out. She then proceeded to have trippy dreams about rainbow mushrooms, purple, wooden, toasters, and thought, _Damn, what did Pinkie put in my brownies?_

Pinkie, seeing her chance, lunges toward Rainbow Dash. She was nearly upon her when she runs out of juice in her improbability drive, making her drop out of the sky and breaking her fall on the pile of dead animals that was conveniently also on the edge of the forest, where Twilight had collapsed.

Then, Mic the Microphone comes out of the forest and walked up to Twilight and kisses her to try to revive her. _Damn, still dead._ He thought, and started to drag Twilight's body back toward the forest, thinking about doing who knows what to it.

Rainbow Dash, seeing that Twilight is missing, decides that its for the best, and goes back into her house to watch Daring Doo porn which Shadow Darkfeather was doing Daring Doo in every positions they could, which really turned Rainbow Dash on. Dash started to look around the room for something to put in her. When she sees the life sized blow up doll of Shadow Darkfeather that fluttershy made with Dash never asked how Fluttershy made it she was just grateful for it. As she built speed she soon found herself flying upsides down and carrying the statue, still doing her evil but slightly arousing acts upon it. As she got ready to finish she found herself losing control and soon she blasted all over the room and through the wall from where she flew across the sky causing a rainbow to appear. The stone blow-up doll fell through her house and out her basement.

As the stone stallion fell, it started to gain speed. It fell through a flock of geese, splatting goose all over the side. The bloody statute continued to fall started picking up more speed. the stone hit several more birds and some insects, killing them instantly. the statue turned to face the pile of dead animals under rainbows house. as the statue's male horn impaled one of the animals, gravity kicked in and the massive speed that it had built up caused the pile of carcases to explode into a mist of gore and blood. the stone stallion was covered in a thick layer of gore. there were guts and intestines all over the statue; the rest of the animals were all over the place.

Meanwhile, Lyra is doing unspeakable experiments in her "secret" lab, something about anthropology, when Mic brings Twilight's body in.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Lyra asked in her male russian accent.

"I found this pony who would be perfect in your next experiment." Mic said, in his very sexy voice.

"Well, you are right! Why wouldn't you be, you are my P. Daddy." She responded.

Lyra then strapped Twilight down on the table, and brought her table of instruments over to Twilight's flank, and then picked up a mini Tesla tower and shocked twilight's ass. Lyra then decided to shock her in multiple places then offered herself to Mic.

"Who do you think I am? I am going to get me some of those brownies!"

Twilight woke up screaming "Dashie in the Sky with Rainbooms!" She then bolted out of the door singing Beatle Bronies.

As Mic approached sugar cube corner he saw Pinkie was just now walking in the door when he had arrived there. he follow her in there and closed the door behind him.

"Yo pink slut I heard you got some magic brownies." he announced.

"I don't know what you're talking about." A slight smile cracked on her face.

"Don't play dumb with me you bitch!" He yelled as he slammed pinkie into the wall. "I got plans and you're going to help me, GOT IT!"

"OK ,OK please don't hurt me." she pleaded

" Oh, I won't as long as you stay on my good side, ok."Mic said as he glared at Pinkie, who was still against the wall

"What do you need?"She ask.

" All I need from you is some of those magic brownies you gave Twilight that knocked her out and made her forget."

" Why would you need those?"Pinkie asked

" That's none of your business, Just supply them to me and you will get Twilight back."

Pinkie thought about the offer.

"OK i'll do it. Where do you need them and how many just say the word. But remember: I get Twilight."

"Good choice. I will inform you when I need the Brownies." Mic said as he started for the door.

"Oh and pinkie don't do anything stupid all right?"As he looks back he raced away.

" Ok!" She said.

The next day, Pinkie brought the goods to the location Mic ran to, which happened to be his house.

"Here you go." She said with a smile as she dropped the box on the doorstep.

" so where's, um Twilight? Asked Pinkie as she looked inside.

"Oh right she got away, so good luck with that." Mic said as he slammed the door, taking the box of brownies with him. Pinkie sat down to think _where could twilight have gone?_

Pinkie thought to herself but aloud a lot, which might in part explain why she always got kicked out of parties. she just starts talking and says something that wasn't supposed to be said. so yeah but anyway in the middle of Pinkies onslaught of thought twilight walked up to her

"Pinkie what are you doing?"

"Oh Twilight! you're not dead!"Pinkie exclaimed

"Um yeah why would I be dead? I mean the last thing i remember was having a brownie."Twilight paused, thinking over what she just said.

"You bitch you drugged me!"She snapped.

"But it was, um" Pinkie looked for an excuse for drugging twilight.

"You see, I needed to get alone with Rainbow Dash so we could..." Pinkie stopped.

" Wait, you're gay?!" Twilight yelled.

"Oh great, first I get drugged, then I don't get to hang puppies, and now this. What's next?" Twilight keep going on about how her life sucks and what happened to her as a kid.

Pinkie still sitting there confused, out of her mind, which is not too hard to do in the first place since she's Pinkie Pie, until she started to realize what Twilight had said.

"What you think me and dash are...?" Pinkie cringes at the thought, "What the hell Twilight!" She yelled.

Twilight gasped.

"Hey! you can't use that word, that's not a ponified word!" then she proceed to punch Pinkie in the face repeatedly.

~Q~

Back at the cutie mark crusaders clubhouse...

"SMALL PONIES TELL ME WHO YOU LEADER IS SO THAT I MAY RULE MY LAND ONCE MORE!"

"Well I guess that would be the Tombfather." Replied scootaloo.

'THEN I WILL FIND AND DESTROY HIM AND ALL HIS FOLLOWERS!"

"rjujjbjbejrjdjucjkyj"Said sweetie Belle as she gazed at the flying toaster, smiling with her tongue still hanging out of her mouth.

"THE UNICORN IS RIGHT I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL HE'S VULNERABLE TO STRIKE." The other two filly looked at Sweetie Belle in amazement.

"How did he understand her?" Asked Scootaloo

"I don't know, all I heard was gibberish." Replied Apple Bloom.

So they all sat down to wait for this great leader to become vulnerable. But, being the CMC, they couldn't take the stress of inactivity, this didn't last very long.

"I'm BORED," Apple Bloom wailed. "When can we go back to getting our cutie marks?"

"WHEN THE TIME IS NIGH FOR ME TO RULE, NOW SIT BACK DOWN."

"Say, aren't our leaders female? I mean, unless Celestia and Luna have gotten serious work done on themselves without anyone knowing about it." Scootaloo said, rubbing Apple Bloom's new extremities on her head.

"JSJJTOPJ TJJHIJNJKIJJNJG AJJHEJADJ! FreJJakkiJnJJJJgJ nJaJrrJJJatJorJJs, nJeJJveJJr cJanJJ trJJusJJt JJthJeJJJJJmJ" Sweetie Belle randomly screamed.

"YES, MANY GOOD IDEAS HAVE COME FROM THIS ONE. YOU SHALL LEAD MY GOLDEN ARMIES TO GLORY ACROSS THIS TAINTED LAND!"

~S~

Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Mic picked up the "package" from his man bitch P. Lobsta.

Then Wallence Breaker, one of Celestia's royal guards, pops up and says "JustARandomBrony, why are you so wrong!"

"Man bitch! Why are you late?" he asked P. Lobsta while he pimp-slapped him.

"I am sorry. Want to go into Pinkie's basement bitch?"

Mic then reached into the fourth wall and pulled out an AK-47, Russian made.

"Woah bro, don't do anything you will regret!" P. Lobsta tried to convince him.

Mic then capped P. Lobsta in the ass.

"Ow! what the hay, asshole!" He then unconsciously began to die.

"Time to kill everypony motha fuckas!"

Mic then shot several other ponies that had stopped to gawk at P. Lobsta's bleeding rear. All of the bullets magicly missed the princesses and their royal guard, and created a large spark when they hit the bell tower of the nearest church.

"THE FOUL BREAD OF YOUR TAINT WILL BE SILENCED BY THE BUTTER OF HOLINESS WHICH WILL BE SPREAD UPON YOU!" Shrieked the Ezalg, the Wooden Toaster, summoned by the clanging bell, and charged toward the castle.

Well, this could get interesting," Applebloom said, reaching for a bag of popcorn. Apparently the CMC were also teleported by the Wooden toaster's powers.

The great battle had begun.

Chapter 1: The Friendship of the Cutie Mark

The Tombfather appeared from the total awesomeness he is.

Chapter 2: The Twin Sisters Strike Back

The sisters (or now brothers) go into a battle stance, readying their bodies for the upcoming onslaught.

"I like pineapples!" Wallence Breaker says, putting on a pair of sunglasses.

Chapter 3: the Return of Shadow

A large crack resounded from the center of the square. A blood-soaked, pony-shaped statue had crashed into the ground, a result of one of the random spells flying around. If you could listen closely, you could hear a small moan coming from the statue.

Shadow had returned.

Chapter 4: The Great Battle

Mic readied his AK-47.

Chapter 5: The Ultimate Battle

The Tombfather picked up Mic's Colt-bitch, P. Lobsta, and threw him onto his shoulder.

Chapter 6: The Battle to End all Battles

The statue teleported away, as it's importance of remaining intact was too great, at least, that's what the pony trapped inside thought might be the case. It was really just coincidence and the result of another spell.

Chapter 7: The Battle for Equestria

The two sisters then took kong-fu positions.

Chapter 8: The Battle for Pony-kind

The Tombfather, who is really The Living Tombstone, readied his twin bladed machete.

Chapter 9: The Battle for the Planet

Everyone prepared their bodies for the coming rape-fest.

Chapter 10: The Battle for the Solar System

P. Lobsta remains bleeding on the ground

Chapter 11: The Battle for the Galaxy

The Tombfather turned to Mic and said,

מיקרופון הוא אידיוט ממקסיקו

Chapter 12: The Battle for the Universe

The Cutie Mark Crusaders grabbed another bag of popcorn, for everyone always runs out before the show REALLY begins.

Chapter 13: The Battle for Everything

Everypony finished getting ready for the battle.

Chapter 14: The Actual Battle

They ran into battle, tombstone was swinging his double bladed machete, when Mic started to shoot at him with his AK-47. The Cutie Mark Crusaders grabbed their popcorn and started to throw it at Mic, who dodged it. Ezalg, (the wooden toaster), started to shoot lasers at the princesses,which they also dodged.

Mic reloaded his gun as Tombstone attacked Ezalg.

"MORTAL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?' The wooden toaster asked, "WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE."

"Nope!" The Tombfather replied as he lit his twin bladed machete on fire.

"NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?" Shrieked Ezalg, "FIRE IS MY BANE!"

"Good!" Tombstone yelled as he sliced the toaster making it catch fire; and fresh toast bled out of his wound.

Ezalg shot flaming toast at the two princesses, all of his attacks missed. Mic shot Tombstone in the side. (apparently the only good shot)

"Why?" The Tombfather asked in vain.

The flaming, wooden, toaster, Ezalg, suddenly exploded, leveling Canterlot and all the beautiful, poetic, surrounding areas. all that remained was a giant piece of burnt toast.

Somewhere, an entire family of hobo-ponies were celebrating the meal of toast that miraculously fell out of the sky, but saddened when they realized the toast tasted strangely like the backside of...you know what, let's just get back to the battle.

A random pony saw the great battle happening before him, and decided the only thing that would make it better was an awesome backtrack, but it had already ended, so decided to go somewhere where else where he could cause trouble, but before that happened he was nearly crushed by a killer statue.

All of this happened at the same time; from 3:15 to 4:20 P.M.

מיקרופון הוא אידיוט ממקסיקו

(Direct translation: Mic the Microphone is an idiot Mexico)

The End

Wait...cocaine?

(*rapping: musical

raping: the 'other' word.

fraps: recording software

faps: well, ask P. Lobsta)

(at least we didn't use Hctib)

(*Please note, Wallence Breaker is a character used to represent how badly our editing/writing is doing. He's breaking the 4th wall ALL THE TIME to ridicule us and our "ideas")

(Alt. ending)

Then Granny Smith closes the book, kisses Apple Bloom on the head, and starts to walk out of the room.

"That, was the weirdest good-night story ever. Of all time." Apple Bloom mumbles.

"You're telling me," she heard P. Lobsta remark from underneath the bed.

'Cuz Ponies.


End file.
